ADD/ODD pt 2, Financial Struggles, Gratitude and Kid Attitudes

Dear Linda and others that are struggling with finances (or rather lack thereof) and attitudes from kids.

I know you have a lot on your plate, for a while before and just after I got married and had kids, I lived off grid. There's a WHOLE lot of extra work that comes with the self-sufficient lifestyle. Toss in ADD/ADHD/ODD, learning differences, kids and illnesses and life gets really, really crazy; really, really quickly.

I know it's especially hard when there aren't a lot of resources to get the things that "everybody else has". It's hard when you don't have money to buy the curriculum that would help you help your child as it's more geared to their problems. But we learn to shop used book & curriculum places both off and on line. We learn to talk to others. We learn to ask about scholarships for things. We learn to make do with what we have. And for those of us that are religious, we petition our Heavenly Father for help and direction. Hey, they were his kids first and he didn't put them (or US!) here to fail. 

Something may not "magically" appear. It may be a prompting here and word there, a website searched. But answers, over time and as we ACT upon prior promptings, things just seem to work out. Not just like we wanted or prayed for, but in our best interest. Even the "dirtbag" experiences, if we keep a good attitude ourselves.  

Then we get to deal with the kids and the attitude about why "they're SO poor!". Toss in ODD that sometimes has them thinking that life "owes" them and there can be meltdowns and attitudes galore to deal with. Sometimes yours as well as theirs. 

Here are some thoughts on that issue and what I did to help mine along. 

One of the things that my kids had to deal with is that I served a mission for my church in the Colombia Bogota region. When my kids started to complain about not having abcxyz, I would acknowledge their feelings, but then I would also talk about some of the people I saw, some of the KIDS I saw. I talked about how literally blessed we truly ARE, even when we're "poor" as compared to others around us. I was inspired to use the phrase that "we weren't really "poor", we just had a bad cash flow". Because we truly ARE blessed, we truly are rich compared to a LOT of other people in this world. So we mostly have the necessities of life, it's the "wants" that are tripping us and our kids up. 

Years later, my oldest said; "you know mom, when we were younger, we hated that you had served a mission. We would be upset about not having money and used to try and have a pity party you always made us feel badly for complaining." "You'd tell us stories about people, even KIDS that had nothing. Kids as young as 5 that had to go to work and work 12 hrs a day in the hot sun and then go to school until 11 PM if they were lucky enough to have parents that would pay for them to do it. And then remind us that we weren't poor, we just had a bad cash flow." "We HATED it then, because it always made us stop and think about all we did have, even if we couldn't afford to go do all the cool things some of the other kids were able to do.

Kids sometimes need to be reminded that we have clean water to drink, multiple outfits to wear. We don't have to go walk for miles to get dirty water - or have no water at all. We have indoor plumbing and/or the ability to create sanitary conditions even if "all" we have is an outhouse. We have electricity. We have free schools, if we choose to attend them and even in some "developed" countries, we have a freedom they do not have. We are free to homeschool/be homeschooled. We have knowledge. We can read, write do math, understand science. Yes, for AMERICANS we are poor. But compared to so much of the rest of the world, we are truly RICH. It's all in how we choose to look at it.

Perhaps it's time for a virtual field trip to a poor country or two. Even better, if you can afford a trip to Mexico or another "poor" country. Have someone local show you around. Show you what passes for schools in the poorer areas. Show you how "normal" people live, without going into dangerous areas. I promise you it will make a difference in what your family sees as "poor". 

I've lived in 3 different countries in 3 continents. I can tell you from actually LIVING there, not visiting, but living there - Japan, where I was stationed for 18 months in the mid '70's. Where people got up in the morning, went outside and used the "benjo" ditches to relieve themselves. Colombia for 9 months in 1980/81. I have more "stuff" than the middle class people and even some of the people they consider wealthy.  I grew up poor(ish) in the Southern US (where some of my peers growing up in the 1960(!) STILL didn't have indoor plumbing nor electricity. I've lived off grid - without electricity, sewage nor water on the property. I grew my food. I had 2 preemie babies with no well on my property. What water there was, was hauled in a 500 gal "water buffalo" for cleaning and laundry, or in gallon milk jugs for drinking and cooking EACH WEEK. To get the water from the buffalo into the house, a sump pump was dropped into the tank and the other end was screwed into the water line into the house. To use it, we had to turn off the a/c and plug in the pump - otherwise, it tripped the switch and we had no electricity. And we lived in nice, hot, humid FLORIDA! In a trailer! With a steel roof. But at the time, I owned it - only to lose it in the divorce, along with my good credit rating and being left with all the bills and expenses. Yeah, dad's aren't the only ones that can be taken to the cleaners by a dishonorable ex-spouse. But even in those VERY humble circumstances, I had more than about 2/3 of the people of Colombia in general and almost 100% of those living outside of major cities. 

There are plenty of videos out there that show third world countries. Have them watch some of those videos and get a new perspective on their OWN lives and how blessed they truly are.

Perhaps they need to observe and even interact with some of the homeless in our own areas. People who, for whatever reason, are without a roof over their heads. And surprisingly, many times, it's not their fault. (And I strongly believe in personal choice and accountability).

But get sick, incur medical bills, lose your home trying to pay them and you're homeless. (NOT) your fault.

Let family move into your home, have them (behind your back) do illegal things and then get busted. Your house is seized and you're homeless. (Not your fault).

Be older and trying to help younger family members. Have them steal and forge your name, or trust them when they say they'll take care of you - only to have them literally put you on the street as they now have control of your assets. (Not your fault).

Be mentally ill or a vet suffering PTSD. (not their fault)

Lots of things can make someone homeless besides generally being "unworthy because they won't work". 

And once homeless, then it is so very, very hard to climb back into having a job and a place to live. See, no proper clothing, no job. Dirty because of no access to water, no job. No job, no place to live because you have no money. "So, they should just go get a job!". Please, note. I'm very conservative. I know there are people who play the system - I even casually know some of them. And they do need a swift kick in the pants. But many more are not deserving of being told it's their fault, it's not. And some of them are on the streets with their kids. 

I've been homeless several times in my life. And even though I was trying to make what to me were positive life changes, it WAS my fault I was homeless - I was chasing dreams and sometimes promised jobs weren't delivered. But I had some resources to fall back on. Church family, friends and having been in the military and then in a couple of Air National Guard units. Once, because I left an abusive marriage with my 3 kids 5 down to 5 months and nursing. SCARY.   But sometimes, you have to give up something to achieve something else. In that case, it was a very, very humble home to get out of an abusive marriage by going into a shelter for battered women.

Turn off tv and stay OUT Of the malls. 

Once, when I took my daughter and her boyfriend to Atlanta to go to the mall, I went inside with them. Now I had been happy with my life. I didn't have everything I wanted, but I did have what I needed. Let me tell you something. 10 minutes in that mall and I had the BIGGEST pity party in all the world going on inside of my head. I became SO discontented. Why here was ALL of these NICE things. Things that I will NEVER in this WORLD EVER have. (and it's true, I won't - I can't afford them and won't go into debt to get them). I worked SO hard, why wasn't I one of the blessed ones to have at least a FEW of theses NICE things???? And on it went for a few minutes. Until I caught myself in the envy and covetousness that I was feeling and said WHOA!! And I immediately left the mall and went and sat in the car. And rehearsed to myself all of the sad situations of people I knew in Columbia, knew in the states. And started counting my blessings! And then an amazing thing. I was at peace and contented once again. 

Malls and TV are there for one reason and one reason only - to make us WANT and to be envious of, the items they are selling. To make us feel DEPRIVED if we don't have these things. Which is the opposite of what we need to be feeling. Again, reference those in the rest of the world that aren't blessed with even a change of clothing, water to drink - much less clean water, a roof over their head - no matter how humble nor even food to eat - or worse, to feed to their children. People who get to watch their children DIE because THEY can't provide for them.

It's all in perspective and I tried to instill in my kids a proper perspective. Having said that, people, including kids have their agency. We may teach a truth, skill or attitude that is so necessary to being a good, competent adult, but they get to choose whether or not to assimilate the teaching and live by it. 

It's a very harsh truth for parents, especially we mammas whom like to load ourselves with guilt, to have to deal with. You keep pondering, what more could I have done - SURELY I missed SOMETHING or they would have done/not done abcxyz. Surely, if I had only done this instead of that, then things would have been different. Surely, if (name a person of influence in their life) had been a better person and better influence things would have been different. Why, yes, it would have been different. But they DIDN'T and you're going to have to forgive the person (for YOUR sake and move on).

And you just have to come to the point where you realize that you tried to do the best you could with what you had. At the end of the day, they have made their choice(s) and YOU, they, (and their children) have to live with the consequences. More on THAT in a later post. Nothing will change in the life of the now adult until THEY chose to change, choose to quit blaming everybody else, accept personal responsibility for what's happened and do what they know to be the good and right thing to do. And until THEY choose to change, there's nothing you can do about it. NOTHING you can do about it! I repeat, NOTHING you can do about it.

And please learn the difference between "helping" someone and "enabling them", then make sure you're not enabling their continued poor choices. Sometimes, we need to simultaneously keep the porch light on and the front door locked. We need to let them know we still love them, still want them, but that certain behaviors are NOT acceptable. Our ODD kids need this tough love most of all. Because just like ADD/ADHD doesn't just 'go away' at 18 or 20, neither does the ODD. They still need to work on it. However, they may choose to not do so. Then we allow them the right to choose and simply accept their choice - and allow them to deal with the consequences. Even when it directly and negatively affects us.

How do I know all of this. Well...walking that path now. Even though the young adult is an Eagle Scout, attitudes about money, and/or "I deserve it" (and it's more than financial things that people think they "deserve") and the inability to put off what is want this minute for a better tomorrow or next month/year has not kicked in. And kids are involved. Which takes me to part 3 tomorrow.

Starting anew

Well, life has come full circle. The last of the at-home kids has flown the coop. He had the audacity to make Eagle Scout, turn 18 and move to dad's all in a matter of a few weeks. No more of my babies are at home. It sure is quiet around here now. YES!!!! lol

Things I miss:
I miss the hub-bub of having children in my home.

I miss totin' 'em to activities. I miss the miles we drove and the talks we've had in the car going to/from homeschool events, scout meetings and Church activities.

I miss not knowing what's going on in their day to day lives.

I miss "Mom, take us to the park." (When did they last ask THAT??? When was the last time we did that? Did I realize at that time that it would be "the last time"? Nope. It just never happened again. And I guess that question wasn't needed any more as they could walk or ride their bikes to the park themselves. Yeah, it's been a few years. In fact, quite a few of them.

I miss "snow days". If you homeschool and have a "snow day", you go play in above park. You drag 3 kidlets in the plastic sled to the park a mile away and take turns riding it down the slopes to the railroad tracks below. And then you load them all up again and hike back up the hill to your house with them in tow. And then you make "Snow Ice Cream". That too has been a few years ago. And the last time, well, I never knew it would be the "last time".

I miss all day reading sessions, where a good book was read aloud to them. We'd spend the day, the WHOLE day reading. The Chronicles of Narnia, The Boxcar Children, Harry Potter, Star Wars, and many, many others. We never got around to diagramming sentences, but my kids have a huge vocabulary and speak standard English very well. I think it was all of the reading we did. A lot of the books were "Classics". When was the last time someone asked; "Mom, read to me?" Another "tradition" that faded quietly away, never to return.

I miss being able to ask; "sweetheart, will you get me ___?" and having it appear. Now I have to stop what I'm doing, get up and get my own darn stuff. Phooey!

I miss those long philosophical discussions on life. But only if the discussion wasn't about why they shouldn't be in trouble for some infraction of house rules. lol

I miss being the center of a little one's world. Of being the go-to person in case of hurt or happiness. I miss skinned knees and new discoveries.

I even miss "mom, we have NOTHING to eat" in a house that has about 1000 lbs of wheat, 200 lbs of rice and 200 lbs of beans as well as shelves of canned goods. That translates as "mom, there's nothing available to nuke and I don't want to actually FIX something."

I miss having someone to talk to all day long. And those all night long talks too.

Things I DON'T miss:
Putting something down and having it sprout legs and walk away. Nope, sorry, don't miss that a bit. I LIKE that I can put something down and it is still there when I come back for it. Most notably: pens, paper, books, food, my knife sharpener, etc. Of course, my glasses STILL seem to walk around on their own. I think Great-grandpa Adams has moved in with me. I know for a fact that it was he who moved stuff in my Nana's house! Aunt Karalee TOLD me so!

I don't miss filling my jug with water and going to drink out of it and it being empty - 5 minutes after I filled it. Of course, now there's no one to make go fill it either.

The house now stays clean. Wow. I clean the bathrooms... and they're still clean four days later.

I straighten out the shelves and they stay straightened out.

I clean the fridge and there's no mustard or ketchup on the shelves.

I do the dishes and they're DONE. No more magically appear in the sink. Of course, now I have to do them ALL the time instead of just SOME of the time. But there's only a few to do. Unless I invite one or more to stay for dinner. Anyone want to come to dinner?

I don't miss the three "invisible foster children" I used to have. I'm sure if you have kids, these foster kids have spent some time at your house. You know their names or at least heard of them - Not Me, I Don't Know and I Didn't Do It. I say they are invisible because I've never actually SEEN them. But I know that they lived with me because my KIDS knew them! My own kids were great. They NEVER misbehaved, never got into stuff or made a mess! It was ALWAYS those rotten foster kids. My kids would SEE them do stuff. And were VERY willing to rat out such ROTTEN kids. Anytime anything happened, my kids would tattle on them.

"Who left the fridge door opened?

"Not Me!"
"I Don't Know!"
"I Didn't Do It!"

"Who left the candy wrapper on the FLOOR?"

"Not Me!"
"I Don't Know!"
"I Didn't Do It!"

But I do know WHY those poor children were in foster care. I've never actually MET their mother, but I've heard of her! You probably have too. Her name is "Everybody Else's Mother". I mean REALLY! Who ELSE would let their 10 year old get a TATOO? Or pierce their TONGUE? Or date a guy/gal that was 5 YEARS older than your teen??? Yep, only Everybody Else's Mother! THAT'S why her kids are in foster care. The rest of us have more SENSE than that woman!

So, all in all I miss them more than I'm glad they're gone. It's sad. When I finally removed all the reminders I have on my Mozilla Sunbird calendar, I HAD no reminders on my calendar. Well, I have "rent due", 'insurance due", "Phone bill due", and "Church" left on it along with family birthdays and anniversaries. Other than that, it's blank.

Wow, now I've got to get a life. It will be different than it's been for 21 years. Full of different things. Different opportunities, different trials, different hopes, different heartaches. But whether or not it's a happy life depends on me and my attitude. Will I choose to find the good in the new life or will I choose to excessively mourn the loss of the old life. Well that depends on whether or not I also choose to look at the happinesses and freedoms of the new life and remember the hardships and trials of the old life to go along with the nostalgia for things as they were. For the remembered past is colored in love and loss, but the unlived future is colored with uncharted territory and uncertain results.

And that's where adventure lies! So set you sails and "drink up me hardies! Yo ho!"

Ideas to cut expenses, part 3

Sorry folks, after working on this post for about 4 hours, I went to another link and came back to my post having been eaten.
I'm trying to redo/recapture the lost work.

Ok, some more ideas I have on cutting expenses. This set includes some fun, low cost or free vacation ideas.

Sometimes just a change in our schedule can seem like a vacation. Have breakfast for dinner, eat dessert first, get up early and watch the sun rise, stay up late and look at the stars. Go to
spaceweather.com and find star maps for your location. Also get info for when the different satellites and space stations are passing overhead. One night, my kids and I went out and caught the ISS and Endeavor uncoupling. It was so cool! All we have is a pair of binoculars, but they worked very well. They even make looking at the moon fun. You can see it with your naked eyes, but with regular binoculars, it's a great view. There's also comets and the regular planets to be seen.

Pretend you're a tourist and go to all the local places people go to see. I grew up in a tourist town - St. Petersburg, and I can tell you, I saw hardly any of the "local" sights. For whatever reason, we just didn't go and do the sight-seeing that people paid good money to go to St. Pete and see.

We now live in a little tourist town in Northern Georgia. We have gone to some of the local things, but haven't "seen it all". Many of the things that tourists do are free and we have the added benefit of not having a "time-limit" on us. We can go when ever, where ever and not have to worry about checking out of a hotel at a certain time. And we don't have to pay to eat out. We can always take snacks, drinks and meals with us. Just put them in a cooler and away we go. Anywhere within about 100 or so mile radius is an easy day trip. That's about 1 1/2 hrs drive each way. It would cost about 1/2 tank of gas for the whole trip.

Think outside of the box. Write to your local tourist/chamber of commerce, etc for info or just stop in the local office. You can also write to your state board of commerce and ask them for info. There are a lot of historical places, landmarks and places of beauty in each state. Do an internet search of your state or if, like me, you're close to several other states, also look at what they have to offer that is near you. You can also so searches for "National Monuments", State monuments, national and state parks, you local county and your city (or cities nearby). All have free information that you can have fun with. Make a game of it with the rest of the family.

Take the family on a picnic. Many state and National forests have free pavilion areas complete with tables and grills. Some you can reserve, but many are first come, first serve. Get there early and have a fun day. Bring a Frisbee or a ball and play catch, soccer or other sport. Remember to slather on the sunscreen and/or cover yourself and the kids. Sunburn is NOT good for us.

Create a garden. It doesn't have to be large to be of interest to kids. Square foot gardens are easy and fun. I posted on some ideas on how to do this cheaply here.

Go for a walk. Go for a walk in nature is fun, but even if you just take your kids on a walk around town, it will be good exercise and breaks some of that "cabin fever".

Sit with the kids and brainstorm ideas on things they can do. Have someone be a scribe and make a booklet with the ideas in it. Then when the kids act or even say, "I'm bored", you have a ready group of ideas for them to keep themselves busy. (Around my house, "I'm bored" is not an option. Like my mean mother before me, "I'm bored" is an invitation to help with the never-ending chores that need to be done. And since they are usually the culprits in part of the mess, give me any excuse and I'll find something for you to do. lol)