ADD/ODD pt 2, Financial Struggles, Gratitude and Kid Attitudes

Dear Linda and others that are struggling with finances (or rather lack thereof) and attitudes from kids.

I know you have a lot on your plate, for a while before and just after I got married and had kids, I lived off grid. There's a WHOLE lot of extra work that comes with the self-sufficient lifestyle. Toss in ADD/ADHD/ODD, learning differences, kids and illnesses and life gets really, really crazy; really, really quickly.

I know it's especially hard when there aren't a lot of resources to get the things that "everybody else has". It's hard when you don't have money to buy the curriculum that would help you help your child as it's more geared to their problems. But we learn to shop used book & curriculum places both off and on line. We learn to talk to others. We learn to ask about scholarships for things. We learn to make do with what we have. And for those of us that are religious, we petition our Heavenly Father for help and direction. Hey, they were his kids first and he didn't put them (or US!) here to fail. 

Something may not "magically" appear. It may be a prompting here and word there, a website searched. But answers, over time and as we ACT upon prior promptings, things just seem to work out. Not just like we wanted or prayed for, but in our best interest. Even the "dirtbag" experiences, if we keep a good attitude ourselves.  

Then we get to deal with the kids and the attitude about why "they're SO poor!". Toss in ODD that sometimes has them thinking that life "owes" them and there can be meltdowns and attitudes galore to deal with. Sometimes yours as well as theirs. 

Here are some thoughts on that issue and what I did to help mine along. 

One of the things that my kids had to deal with is that I served a mission for my church in the Colombia Bogota region. When my kids started to complain about not having abcxyz, I would acknowledge their feelings, but then I would also talk about some of the people I saw, some of the KIDS I saw. I talked about how literally blessed we truly ARE, even when we're "poor" as compared to others around us. I was inspired to use the phrase that "we weren't really "poor", we just had a bad cash flow". Because we truly ARE blessed, we truly are rich compared to a LOT of other people in this world. So we mostly have the necessities of life, it's the "wants" that are tripping us and our kids up. 

Years later, my oldest said; "you know mom, when we were younger, we hated that you had served a mission. We would be upset about not having money and used to try and have a pity party you always made us feel badly for complaining." "You'd tell us stories about people, even KIDS that had nothing. Kids as young as 5 that had to go to work and work 12 hrs a day in the hot sun and then go to school until 11 PM if they were lucky enough to have parents that would pay for them to do it. And then remind us that we weren't poor, we just had a bad cash flow." "We HATED it then, because it always made us stop and think about all we did have, even if we couldn't afford to go do all the cool things some of the other kids were able to do.

Kids sometimes need to be reminded that we have clean water to drink, multiple outfits to wear. We don't have to go walk for miles to get dirty water - or have no water at all. We have indoor plumbing and/or the ability to create sanitary conditions even if "all" we have is an outhouse. We have electricity. We have free schools, if we choose to attend them and even in some "developed" countries, we have a freedom they do not have. We are free to homeschool/be homeschooled. We have knowledge. We can read, write do math, understand science. Yes, for AMERICANS we are poor. But compared to so much of the rest of the world, we are truly RICH. It's all in how we choose to look at it.

Perhaps it's time for a virtual field trip to a poor country or two. Even better, if you can afford a trip to Mexico or another "poor" country. Have someone local show you around. Show you what passes for schools in the poorer areas. Show you how "normal" people live, without going into dangerous areas. I promise you it will make a difference in what your family sees as "poor". 

I've lived in 3 different countries in 3 continents. I can tell you from actually LIVING there, not visiting, but living there - Japan, where I was stationed for 18 months in the mid '70's. Where people got up in the morning, went outside and used the "benjo" ditches to relieve themselves. Colombia for 9 months in 1980/81. I have more "stuff" than the middle class people and even some of the people they consider wealthy.  I grew up poor(ish) in the Southern US (where some of my peers growing up in the 1960(!) STILL didn't have indoor plumbing nor electricity. I've lived off grid - without electricity, sewage nor water on the property. I grew my food. I had 2 preemie babies with no well on my property. What water there was, was hauled in a 500 gal "water buffalo" for cleaning and laundry, or in gallon milk jugs for drinking and cooking EACH WEEK. To get the water from the buffalo into the house, a sump pump was dropped into the tank and the other end was screwed into the water line into the house. To use it, we had to turn off the a/c and plug in the pump - otherwise, it tripped the switch and we had no electricity. And we lived in nice, hot, humid FLORIDA! In a trailer! With a steel roof. But at the time, I owned it - only to lose it in the divorce, along with my good credit rating and being left with all the bills and expenses. Yeah, dad's aren't the only ones that can be taken to the cleaners by a dishonorable ex-spouse. But even in those VERY humble circumstances, I had more than about 2/3 of the people of Colombia in general and almost 100% of those living outside of major cities. 

There are plenty of videos out there that show third world countries. Have them watch some of those videos and get a new perspective on their OWN lives and how blessed they truly are.

Perhaps they need to observe and even interact with some of the homeless in our own areas. People who, for whatever reason, are without a roof over their heads. And surprisingly, many times, it's not their fault. (And I strongly believe in personal choice and accountability).

But get sick, incur medical bills, lose your home trying to pay them and you're homeless. (NOT) your fault.

Let family move into your home, have them (behind your back) do illegal things and then get busted. Your house is seized and you're homeless. (Not your fault).

Be older and trying to help younger family members. Have them steal and forge your name, or trust them when they say they'll take care of you - only to have them literally put you on the street as they now have control of your assets. (Not your fault).

Be mentally ill or a vet suffering PTSD. (not their fault)

Lots of things can make someone homeless besides generally being "unworthy because they won't work". 

And once homeless, then it is so very, very hard to climb back into having a job and a place to live. See, no proper clothing, no job. Dirty because of no access to water, no job. No job, no place to live because you have no money. "So, they should just go get a job!". Please, note. I'm very conservative. I know there are people who play the system - I even casually know some of them. And they do need a swift kick in the pants. But many more are not deserving of being told it's their fault, it's not. And some of them are on the streets with their kids. 

I've been homeless several times in my life. And even though I was trying to make what to me were positive life changes, it WAS my fault I was homeless - I was chasing dreams and sometimes promised jobs weren't delivered. But I had some resources to fall back on. Church family, friends and having been in the military and then in a couple of Air National Guard units. Once, because I left an abusive marriage with my 3 kids 5 down to 5 months and nursing. SCARY.   But sometimes, you have to give up something to achieve something else. In that case, it was a very, very humble home to get out of an abusive marriage by going into a shelter for battered women.

Turn off tv and stay OUT Of the malls. 

Once, when I took my daughter and her boyfriend to Atlanta to go to the mall, I went inside with them. Now I had been happy with my life. I didn't have everything I wanted, but I did have what I needed. Let me tell you something. 10 minutes in that mall and I had the BIGGEST pity party in all the world going on inside of my head. I became SO discontented. Why here was ALL of these NICE things. Things that I will NEVER in this WORLD EVER have. (and it's true, I won't - I can't afford them and won't go into debt to get them). I worked SO hard, why wasn't I one of the blessed ones to have at least a FEW of theses NICE things???? And on it went for a few minutes. Until I caught myself in the envy and covetousness that I was feeling and said WHOA!! And I immediately left the mall and went and sat in the car. And rehearsed to myself all of the sad situations of people I knew in Columbia, knew in the states. And started counting my blessings! And then an amazing thing. I was at peace and contented once again. 

Malls and TV are there for one reason and one reason only - to make us WANT and to be envious of, the items they are selling. To make us feel DEPRIVED if we don't have these things. Which is the opposite of what we need to be feeling. Again, reference those in the rest of the world that aren't blessed with even a change of clothing, water to drink - much less clean water, a roof over their head - no matter how humble nor even food to eat - or worse, to feed to their children. People who get to watch their children DIE because THEY can't provide for them.

It's all in perspective and I tried to instill in my kids a proper perspective. Having said that, people, including kids have their agency. We may teach a truth, skill or attitude that is so necessary to being a good, competent adult, but they get to choose whether or not to assimilate the teaching and live by it. 

It's a very harsh truth for parents, especially we mammas whom like to load ourselves with guilt, to have to deal with. You keep pondering, what more could I have done - SURELY I missed SOMETHING or they would have done/not done abcxyz. Surely, if I had only done this instead of that, then things would have been different. Surely, if (name a person of influence in their life) had been a better person and better influence things would have been different. Why, yes, it would have been different. But they DIDN'T and you're going to have to forgive the person (for YOUR sake and move on).

And you just have to come to the point where you realize that you tried to do the best you could with what you had. At the end of the day, they have made their choice(s) and YOU, they, (and their children) have to live with the consequences. More on THAT in a later post. Nothing will change in the life of the now adult until THEY chose to change, choose to quit blaming everybody else, accept personal responsibility for what's happened and do what they know to be the good and right thing to do. And until THEY choose to change, there's nothing you can do about it. NOTHING you can do about it! I repeat, NOTHING you can do about it.

And please learn the difference between "helping" someone and "enabling them", then make sure you're not enabling their continued poor choices. Sometimes, we need to simultaneously keep the porch light on and the front door locked. We need to let them know we still love them, still want them, but that certain behaviors are NOT acceptable. Our ODD kids need this tough love most of all. Because just like ADD/ADHD doesn't just 'go away' at 18 or 20, neither does the ODD. They still need to work on it. However, they may choose to not do so. Then we allow them the right to choose and simply accept their choice - and allow them to deal with the consequences. Even when it directly and negatively affects us.

How do I know all of this. Well...walking that path now. Even though the young adult is an Eagle Scout, attitudes about money, and/or "I deserve it" (and it's more than financial things that people think they "deserve") and the inability to put off what is want this minute for a better tomorrow or next month/year has not kicked in. And kids are involved. Which takes me to part 3 tomorrow.